Friday, June 24, 2011

Things I hate

Yup. Just that.

Skydiving — I saw a show about Iraq war Army widows, and what does the whole gaggle of them do to prove that 1) they’re alive and, 2) darn it, they’re going to really live! ? They go skydiving. And I swear all those numb numbs writing personal ads must have a macro set up to automatically plugs in the phrase “I’ll try anything once…except skydiving!!! LOL!!!” You know what the opposite of risky is? Skydiving. Those parachutes almost always open. Your first couple jumps, you’re strapped to a safety instructor. You aren’t even given a chance to panic, freeze up, and drill a 10’ deep crater in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. So, just shut it about skydiving, okay?

Mr. Popper’s Penguins — I thought penguins were over. I thought Jim Carrey was over. Who asked for this … well, we’ll call it a movie, but everybody — including the people who made it — knows that it’s really just a two-hour respite for parents during which their kids won’t be squalling, whining, shitting themselves, falling down, or begging for gum.

Viral marketing campaigns — Look; I know it’s a digital world. I fucking hate it, but I recognize its existence. But you know what I’m not going to do? Take the time to figure out that the numbers scrawled on a blackboard in a TV commercial are actually the coordinates of a geocache, and if I drag ass out there and dig it up, it will give me the URL to a super secret insiders-only website that will give me clues to what your new movie is about. Bite my bag, okay? You want me to spend $11.95 to see your movie? Then just tell me what the fuck it’s about, and stop wasting my fucking time.

Movies with “Rise of” in their titles — I read the words “Rise of” and my brain automatically substitutes the word “suck”. Have you ever seen a movie with “Rise of” in the title that didn’t suck? I think movie producers think fan boys think any title with a noun preceded by “Rise of” is epic. One hundred percent of the time, they’re wrong. (Rise of the Dark Knight may prove me wrong. Hey, I hope it does. I really do.)

Gender stereotyping in advertising — If you were an alien watching our media, you would assume the following things:

  • Males are generally overweight slobs who are congenitally incapable of remembering dates like anniversaries and birthdays. Females, who are without exception more physically attractive than their mate, have precise biological calendars in their heads, and plan every action around the assumption that their mate will forget the important date.

  • Males want sex every waking moment. Females never want it, and can only be bribed into sex with gifts of precious minerals.

  • Besides sex, the only other obsession males have is roasting meat over an open flame. This act produces facial expressions of satisfaction and contentment. Women are obsessed with cleanliness and cleaning products. Cleaning products for the kitchen, bathroom, clothing, their skin and hair, and most importantly, their vagina. Once cleanliness is achieved, females experience rapturous joy, and sometimes sexual pleasure.

  • Males and females can agree on nothing. This state of conflict is so ingrained in their psyche that goods and products can be sold simply by showing a male and female arguing about the goods or products.

  • All post-pubescent males and females are disrespectful, rebellious, selfish, and possibly demonically possessed creatures that bring great discord and sorrow to their family dwelling. Gifts of small electronic devices can, in the short term, bribe the young male or female into once again eating with the family unit and tolerating their presence in the course of daily life.

I already hate people, things, and our disgusting consumption-based economy as it is. So I’ll pass on whatever shit you're trying sell me with your broad-stroke advertising, thanks.

Monday, June 20, 2011

You are more miserable now than you were in 1983

You weren't very happy 28 years ago. Carter was in the White House, the Federal Reserve was up to its usual fuckery, and OPEC had us oil-addicted Americans by the short and curlies. In 1983, we became acquainted with the term stagflation. We also got Ewoks. Yeah. We were miserable.

But not so miserable as now. If you think 2011 is actually sucking more balls than that champion ball-sucker year 2010, you have socioeconomic science to back you up. The Misery Index, which was designed to describe the human impact of economic problems, combines unemployment and inflation data to assign a number to the current level of unhappiness in America. The Misery Index now stands at 12.6, the highest it's been since '83.

Unemployment is the biggest buzz kill right now, as far as the Misery Index is concerned. Men suffer from unemployment more than women, blacks more than whites, and the young more than the old. So, if you're a young black male, congratulations! You've hit the Misery Trifecta.

I blame 3D movies.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011



The next time you go to Lenscrafters and they ask you if you want the anti-glare coating put on your new lenses for just an additional $29.99, don't even answer.

Just punch them in the throat.

Something about that anti-glare coating makes the lenses smudge like a motherfucker. (Here, I'm using "motherfucker" to mean "a whole lot more than is reasonable under normal use and conditions.) I've been wearing glass for, fuck, 26 years (!?! No wonder I'm so goddam crabby) and I never found myself saying "Now what the fuck... something's wrong. Why can't I see?" as much before I let them sell me that anti-glare stuff.

So. Learn from my pain.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Big weiner tales

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) is accepting “personal responsibility” for using his Twitter account to send pictures of his wang to a 21-year-old college student. I’m sure he and his handlers feel that owning up to his mistake is the best way to control the damage. Problem is, Weiner pulled a Kobe Bryant—he’s spent the last seven days denying the whole thing with ever-changing stories. Remember good ol’ Kobe? First he never even heard of that hotel clerk. Then, she came up to his room, but nothing happened. They just talked, about the merits of Zen buddism, no doubt. Well, okay, he did sex her up a little, but it was totally consensual. Honest! The bruises? It’s all a little hazy… probably rough sex, you know? Okay, maybe he did force her a little, but he’s human, so he hopes his wife will forgive him. Buying her a diamond the size of a baseball and having her prominently display it during his confession/apology press conference super-combo couldn’t hurt.

Same M.O. for Weiner: Last Sunday, he didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout no Twitter pics of his junk. There might be pictures of his junk out there, he told Wolf Blitzer, but the Representative assured CNN that the Twitter picture wasn’t Weiner junk. When he spoke to Rachel Maddow a day later, he admitted that “he didn’t know for sure, but it could be” his erection in the photos. In the next few days, the story morphed from a case of Weiner’s Twitter account being hacked into—he’s a victim, people!—to a case of "I sent her that picture as a joke.” Guess she's an Are You Being Served? person, and Weiner is more of a Larry the Cable Guy type.

So now, Weiner’s sorry. He’s apologizing to his constituents, and of course, to his wife and family. The thing is, he’s really, truly sorry. And he’s not resigning. Because this was a human lapse—who among us has not sent cock pics to college students half our age??—he’s learned from it, and the implication is that he’s perfectly suitable to remain in our government. And frankly, if you call for his resignation, you’re a big mean hater. And probably a Republican whose goal is to damage the House Democrats' reputation.

So, I ask the same thing I asked about Mr. Bryant's halting progression toward The Truth: how many lies are you allowed to be caught in before your confession/apology must also be considered a lie?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Babies are horrifying

"Oh, he looks just like his mother!!"

No, he doesn't. He looks like an anthropomorphic lobster.

Babies don't look like anything for about a year.

But for some reason, no one wants to hear that.

People are really fuckin' weird about babies.

Don't fuck with old people...

... because they've got a lifetime's worth of experience, and they've got all day to sit around and devise revenge tactics.

If you've ever muttered bad words while dealing with Bank of America, then this story will warm the cockles of your heart. Maybe even your sub-cockle area.