tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48672842401305081492024-03-13T07:41:16.116-04:00Sweet TiradeI'm angry. I blog.
Read my posts. Or don't.
I don't care.NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-45705541707305258102012-10-23T12:46:00.000-04:002012-10-23T12:46:23.527-04:00It’s not her, dood. It’s you.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1ZXJ6O79cWM/UIbHt88d6hI/AAAAAAAAAKU/HrQVLUDRqU0/s1600/Bro.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="228" width="204" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-1ZXJ6O79cWM/UIbHt88d6hI/AAAAAAAAAKU/HrQVLUDRqU0/s320/Bro.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
On the T this morning, I hear this guy getting cell-phone dumped. Looked kinda like the guy to the left, only with more Boston douche flavor. Based on his half of the conversation, I think I know why his squeeze just wasn’t feeling it anymore:<br />
<br />
Dumped via Cell Guy: <br />
<br />
<blockquote>Like, I feel like, like, that I want this, like, more than you do. It’s like, everything I do or, like, say is like, the wrong thing. Like… you know? Like, when I talk about, like, the future and… stuff, you, like, push me away. You, like, put up these, like … <i>walls</i>. Or something. No, I… Like… Yeah, I d-… Like, I don’t know, what do you want me to, like, you know, like, <i>do</i>? You know? Jeez.</blockquote><br />
I picture this stereotypical, backward Red Sox ball cap-wearing retahd spending last night with Dump via Cell Phone Girl, who probably got just drunk enough to fuck him one last time. This morning, she couldn’t wait for him to just for God’s sake <i>leave already</i>. She waits until he’s about three T stops away, then she makes the Dump Call. Because every second she spends with this guy, she can feel herself getting more <b>stoopid</b>.<br />
NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-34695829351122851602012-10-23T12:01:00.000-04:002012-10-23T12:01:07.740-04:00Enjoy the Halloween decorations in the office kitchen!! LOL!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jHHFN7GWlrE/UIa_EOQcQlI/AAAAAAAAAKA/mcWT6ovvyKg/s1600/Halloween.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear:left; float:left;margin-right:1em; margin-bottom:1em"><img border="0" height="200" width="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jHHFN7GWlrE/UIa_EOQcQlI/AAAAAAAAAKA/mcWT6ovvyKg/s320/Halloween.jpg" /></a></div><br />
<br />
<br />
Oh. I see that you’ve scattered little plastic spiders over every horizontal surface in the break room. And you’ve hung bendy skeletons from each and every cabinet handle. That’s… adorable. Now, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT DOWN MY GODDAMED MICROWAVED FISH STICKS WHILE I MAKE A CUP OF TEA? And what do you suppose the chances are of those bendy skeletons FALLING INTO MY HOT-ON-THE OUTSIDE, FROZEN-ON-THE-FUCKING-INSIDE FISH STICKS? <br />
<br />
<br />
P.S. I dipped one of the bendy skeletons in the urinal. But you’ll never know which one. Have a <i>great</i> day.<br />
NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-68326243531400760662012-08-21T10:53:00.000-04:002012-10-23T12:01:46.166-04:00I do not want your text messages.And you did it to yourselves, fuckers! I do not do the texting. Hate it. Can't realistically type anything legibly on my toy phone anyway. (Oh, P, Q, R, S are all on the same button, and I have to move the little cursor thing to tell my phone which one of those letters I want to type? That's <i>adorable</i>!) So, I mostly ignore texts, and, to my knowledge, have never responded to a single text. From anyone. But people keep texting me, anyway. <i>"Ron! Why didn't you come to my barbecue??"</i> <i>"Ron, we changed the start time to 11 am, didn't you get my text??"</i> Texting costs money, and AT&T says the only way I can "turn off texting" is to block incoming texts. So that's what I did. It's not that I don't want to hear from you. I love you. I just can't think of a single fucking thing I'd rather do less than texting with you. NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-86238039487185639622011-11-03T09:57:00.005-04:002011-11-03T10:06:12.790-04:0010 things you already know...<hr /> <span class="postbody">... but I feel compelled to remind you of anyway.<br /><br />1. Mountain Dew is supposed to be neon yellow. That's how it is found in nature. Making Mountain Dew red, or white, is wrong. <br /><br />2. The news industry has no real interest in keeping you informed. <br /><br />3. Steve Jobs was not Jesus. He was a visionary, a super successful CEO, and Technology's Brat Prince. But he couldn't have cured your syphilis or brought Snowball IV back from the dead.<br /><br />4. If you often describe yourself as "you either love me or you hate me! haha", you should be aware that it's most often the latter.<br /><br />5. Frantic masturbation interrupted by painting little army men will not get you a job. <br /><br />6. Congress has no real interest in serving the People.<br /><br />7. Mitt Romney's political platform is somewhat... mercurial.<br /><br />8. If you bought one of those "Party Pong" kits at the grocery store, the one that <span style="font-style: italic;">isn't</span> Beer Pong, but contains 12 plastic cups and a ping pong ball, then nothing I could say or do would help you.<br /><br />9. You can't get away with comparing someone to Hitler anymore, or describing someone as a Nazi. Fortunately, people like Hank Williams, Jr., are around to keep reminding us of this fact.<br /><br />10. The Corn Refiners Association has no real interest in your health.</span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-50653821660169019112011-07-08T13:36:00.005-04:002011-07-08T13:54:46.094-04:00And the Interweb Froot Loop of the Week Award goes to...<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qds54SMhWU0/ThdDuXnByOI/AAAAAAAAAH8/0br33-nox_4/s1600/chimp.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627040723313477858" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 281px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Qds54SMhWU0/ThdDuXnByOI/AAAAAAAAAH8/0br33-nox_4/s320/chimp.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">... Mercy5, who posted this manifesto in the comments section under a review of the Kevin James movie <em>Zookeeper</em>:</span></div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div align="justify">Some of you may have heard that the recently released Hangover 2 movie featured a capuchin monkey. Unfortunately, this same capuchin is featured in yet another upcoming movie (as well as an assortment of several other animals), titled The Zookeeper. It premieres on July 8, which just one week away. Please avoid contributing to the box office receipts for this movie—don't go see it!<br />Capuchin monkeys used for entertainment and kept as pets are typically ripped from their mothers at birth, causing irreparable psychological harm. When they grow too large and strong to be handled, many monkeys are discarded at pseudo-sanctuaries and shoddy roadside zoos because there simply aren't enough reputable sanctuaries to care for them all. Some may spend years and even decades in horrifying conditions after they are no longer useful to their trainers. Additionally, monkeys have complex physical, social, and psychological needs that cannot be met in human homes or training compounds. Life in the entertainment industry denies monkeys proper exercise, natural diets, and interaction with others of their kind. The loss of freedom and independence leads to loneliness, boredom, and depression.<br />Please spread the word to your friends and encourage them to boycott this movie with you. Let them know that monkeys should not be used in TV and film media, including the reasons listed above. Thank you for speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves! </div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-72301669534678294232011-07-07T18:19:00.002-04:002011-07-07T18:23:29.760-04:00Peanut allergy? Tell Jesus I said "hi".<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KWgbuTT0B3U/ThYxshitl6I/AAAAAAAAAH0/PEpnoPCXmzU/s1600/granola.JPG"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5626739425433982882" style="DISPLAY: block; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 214px; TEXT-ALIGN: center" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-KWgbuTT0B3U/ThYxshitl6I/AAAAAAAAAH0/PEpnoPCXmzU/s320/granola.JPG" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">If you're allergic to nuts--and, if I'm to go by those little "may contain traces of peanut molecules" signs I see fucking everywhere, 9 out 10 of the people reading this must be--you might want to avoid Nature Valley peanut butter granola bars, which carry this advisory text:</span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Contains: peanut, soy; may contain almond and pecan ingredients.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">I wonder if they sprinkled a little gluten on top, just so the celiac disease crowd doesn't feel left out?</span></div><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Basically, if you're allergic to nuts, Nature Valley peanut butter granola bars are an express train to Anaphalactic Shockville. I kind of want to toss an open package of them onto a school bus and yell "<em>Grenade!!!</em>"</span></div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-61190214221780170332011-06-24T13:41:00.007-04:002011-06-24T13:57:33.594-04:00Things I hate<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oKcka-rK_6A/TgTM-2muaAI/AAAAAAAAAHc/57OoGWwHL_w/s1600/hate.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5621843615047116802" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 250px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-oKcka-rK_6A/TgTM-2muaAI/AAAAAAAAAHc/57OoGWwHL_w/s320/hate.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Yup. Just that.<br /><br /><strong>Skydiving</strong> — I saw a show about Iraq war Army widows, and what does the whole gaggle of them do to prove that 1) they’re alive and, 2) darn it, they’re going to really live! ? They go skydiving. And I swear all those numb numbs writing personal ads must have a macro set up to automatically plugs in the phrase “I’ll try anything once…except skydiving!!! LOL!!!” You know what the opposite of risky is? Skydiving. Those parachutes almost always open. Your first couple jumps, you’re strapped to a safety instructor. You aren’t even given a chance to panic, freeze up, and drill a 10’ deep crater in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. So, just shut it about skydiving, okay?<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Mr. Popper’s Penguins</strong> — I thought penguins were over. I thought Jim Carrey was over. Who asked for this … well, we’ll call it a <em>movie</em>, but everybody — including the people who made it — knows that it’s really just a two-hour respite for parents during which their kids won’t be squalling, whining, shitting themselves, falling down, or begging for gum.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Viral marketing campaigns</strong> — Look; I know it’s a digital world. I fucking hate it, but I recognize its existence. But you know what I’m not going to do? Take the time to figure out that the numbers scrawled on a blackboard in a TV commercial are actually the coordinates of a geocache, and if I drag ass out there and dig it up, it will give me the URL to a super secret insiders-only website that will give me clues to what your new movie is about. <em>Bite my bag, okay?</em> You want me to spend $11.95 to see your movie? Then just tell me what the fuck it’s about, and stop wasting my fucking time.<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Movies with “Rise of” in their titles</strong> — I read the words “Rise of” and my brain automatically substitutes the word “suck”. Have you ever seen a movie with “Rise of” in the title that didn’t suck? I think movie producers think fan boys think any title with a noun preceded by “Rise of” is <em>epic</em>. One hundred percent of the time, they’re wrong. (<em>Rise of the Dark Knight</em> may prove me wrong. Hey, I hope it does. I really do.)<br /></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><p><span style="font-size:130%;"><strong>Gender stereotyping in advertising</strong> — If you were an alien watching our media, you would assume the following things:<br /></span></p><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /><ul><br /><li></span><span style="font-size:130%;">Males are generally overweight slobs who are congenitally incapable of remembering dates like anniversaries and birthdays. Females, who are without exception more physically attractive than their mate, have precise biological calendars in their heads, and plan every action around the assumption that their mate will forget the important date.<br /></li></span><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Males want sex every waking moment. Females never want it, and can only be bribed into sex with gifts of precious minerals.<br /></li></span><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Besides sex, the only other obsession males have is roasting meat over an open flame. This act produces facial expressions of satisfaction and contentment. Women are obsessed with cleanliness and cleaning products. Cleaning products for the kitchen, bathroom, clothing, their skin and hair, and most importantly, their vagina. Once cleanliness is achieved, females experience rapturous joy, and sometimes sexual pleasure. </li></span><br /><li><span style="font-size:130%;">Males and females can agree on nothing. This state of conflict is so ingrained in their psyche that goods and products can be sold simply by showing a male and female arguing about the goods or products.<br /></li></span><br /><li><span style="font-size:130%;">All post-pubescent males and females are disrespectful, rebellious, selfish, and possibly demonically possessed creatures that bring great discord and sorrow to their family dwelling. Gifts of small electronic devices can, in the short term, bribe the young male or female into once again eating with the family unit and tolerating their presence in the course of daily life.<br /></li></ul></span><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">I already hate people, things, and our disgusting consumption-based economy as it is. So I’ll pass on whatever shit you're trying sell me with your broad-stroke advertising, thanks. </span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-16357130747355315892011-06-20T12:29:00.006-04:002011-06-20T13:08:23.677-04:00You are more miserable now than you were in 1983<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-boKpsbFHwAc/Tf99xhdnZZI/AAAAAAAAAHM/0MnEdnFYf00/s1600/sad%2Bdog.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5620349149731317138" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 215px" alt="" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-boKpsbFHwAc/Tf99xhdnZZI/AAAAAAAAAHM/0MnEdnFYf00/s320/sad%2Bdog.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div>You weren't very happy 28 years ago. Carter was in the White House, the Federal Reserve was up to its usual fuckery, and OPEC had us oil-addicted Americans by the short and curlies. In 1983, we became acquainted with the term stagflation. We also got Ewoks. Yeah. We were miserable.<br /><br />But not so miserable as now. If you think 2011 is actually sucking more balls than that champion ball-sucker year 2010, you have socioeconomic science to back you up. The Misery Index, which was designed to describe the human impact of economic problems, combines unemployment and inflation data to assign a number to the current level of unhappiness in America. The Misery Index now stands at 12.6, the highest it's been since '83.<br /><br />Unemployment is the biggest buzz kill right now, as far as the Misery Index is concerned. Men suffer from unemployment more than women, blacks more than whites, and the young more than the old. So, if you're a young black male, congratulations! You've hit the Misery Trifecta.<br /><br />I blame 3D movies.</div><br /><br /><br /><br /><div></div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-76447833564984052062011-06-15T14:13:00.001-04:002011-06-15T14:16:08.809-04:00THESE GLASSES ARE DIRTY AS HELL...<span style="font-size:130%;">... AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">The next time you go to Lenscrafters and they ask you if you want the anti-glare coating put on your new lenses for just an additional $29.99, don't even answer.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Just punch them in the throat.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Something about that anti-glare coating makes the lenses smudge like a motherfucker. (Here, I'm using "motherfucker" to mean "a whole lot more than is reasonable under normal use and conditions.) I've been wearing glass for, fuck, 26 years (!?! No wonder I'm so goddam crabby) and I never found myself saying "Now what the fuck... something's wrong. Why can't I see?" as much before I let them sell me that anti-glare stuff.</span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">So. Learn from my pain.<br /></span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-47826079037625753182011-06-07T16:34:00.006-04:002011-06-07T16:49:55.348-04:00Big weiner tales<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TpMbsLEdHS8/Te6L2vPyP3I/AAAAAAAAAG0/BXJc6n5A-xo/s1600/Weiner.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615579557889458034" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 246px" alt="" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-TpMbsLEdHS8/Te6L2vPyP3I/AAAAAAAAAG0/BXJc6n5A-xo/s320/Weiner.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) is accepting “personal responsibility” for using his Twitter account to send pictures of his wang to a 21-year-old college student. I’m sure he and his handlers feel that owning up to his mistake is the best way to control the damage. Problem is, Weiner pulled a Kobe Bryant—he’s spent the last seven days denying the whole thing with ever-changing stories. Remember good ol’ Kobe? First he never even heard of that hotel clerk. Then, she came up to his room, but nothing happened. They just talked, about the merits of Zen buddism, no doubt. Well, okay, he <em>did</em> sex her up a little, but it was totally consensual. Honest! The bruises? It’s all a little hazy… probably rough sex, you know? Okay, maybe he did force her a little, but he’s human, so he hopes his wife will forgive him. Buying her a diamond the size of a baseball and having her prominently display it during his confession/apology press conference super-combo couldn’t hurt.<br /><br />Same M.O. for Weiner: Last Sunday, he didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout no Twitter pics of his junk. There <em>might</em> be pictures of his junk out there, he told Wolf Blitzer, but the Representative assured CNN that the Twitter picture wasn’t <em>Weiner</em> junk. When he spoke to Rachel Maddow a day later, he admitted that “he didn’t know for sure, but it could be” his erection in the photos. In the next few days, the story morphed from a case of Weiner’s Twitter account being hacked into—he’s a victim, people!—to a case of "I sent her that picture as a joke.” Guess she's an <em>Are You Being Served?</em> person, and Weiner is more of a Larry the Cable Guy type.<br /><br />So now, Weiner’s sorry. He’s apologizing to his constituents, and of course, to his wife and family. The thing is, he’s really, truly sorry. And he’s not resigning. Because this was a human lapse—who among us has not sent cock pics to college students half our age??—he’s learned from it, and the implication is that he’s perfectly suitable to remain in our government. And frankly, if you call for his resignation, you’re a big mean hater. And probably a Republican whose goal is to damage the House Democrats' reputation.<br /><br />So, I ask the same thing I asked about Mr. Bryant's halting progression toward The Truth: how many lies are you allowed to be caught in before your confession/apology must also be considered a lie?</span></div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-28466297892331210272011-06-06T21:37:00.003-04:002011-06-06T21:42:07.621-04:00Babies are horrifying<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_lh3D7GATE/Te2BrtrF1vI/AAAAAAAAAGs/PtThKWnHNa8/s1600/lobsterbaby.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_lh3D7GATE/Te2BrtrF1vI/AAAAAAAAAGs/PtThKWnHNa8/s320/lobsterbaby.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615286898395567858" border="0" /></a><br />"Oh, he looks just like his mother!!"<br /><br />No, he doesn't. He looks like an anthropomorphic lobster.<br /><br />Babies don't look like anything for about a year.<br /><br />But for some reason, no one wants to hear that.<br /><br />People are really fuckin' weird about babies.NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-17342477608230112652011-06-06T21:17:00.002-04:002011-06-06T21:31:54.588-04:00Don't fuck with old people...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YLvNdouhxj8/Te1_a7ub-lI/AAAAAAAAAGk/u7_2P59tl0I/s1600/gargamel.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YLvNdouhxj8/Te1_a7ub-lI/AAAAAAAAAGk/u7_2P59tl0I/s320/gargamel.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615284411086666322" border="0" /></a><br />... because they've got a lifetime's worth of experience, and they've got all day to sit around and devise revenge tactics.<br /><br />If you've ever muttered bad words while dealing with Bank of America, then this story will warm the cockles of your heart. Maybe even your sub-cockle area.<br /><br /><span class="postbody"></span><a href="http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110606/us_time/httpmoneylandtimecom20110606homeownerforeclosesonbankofamericayesyouheardthatrightxidrssfullnationyahoo" target="_blank">http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110606/us_time/h...ssfullnationyahoo</a>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-36818405619738115532011-04-07T14:41:00.003-04:002011-04-07T14:54:20.959-04:00Metric system, I'll see you in hell!<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uYi0Qa6b8dk/TZ4Flfpm7tI/AAAAAAAAAF8/dV-kItF1qtw/s1600/Metric_system_not_in_use.png"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5592913928950050514" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 320px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 141px" alt="" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uYi0Qa6b8dk/TZ4Flfpm7tI/AAAAAAAAAF8/dV-kItF1qtw/s320/Metric_system_not_in_use.png" border="0" /></a> <br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">I really wish someone would tell Canada that the United States doesn't use "kilometers" or "degrees centigrade" or any of that other commie bullshit, and that we never will.</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">My teachers started telling us in 1st grade that "You better learn this, because in five years, everybody's going to be using the metric system, and you'll get left behind."</span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Well, that didn't happen. </span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;"></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;">Now, it may be that only the areas in red on the world map to the left are still using the English system of measurement. Maybe the vast majority of the planet is using the Metric system. Well, <strong>whoopty freakin' doo</strong>! We are <strong>America</strong>, and we utterly refuse your base-10 shenanigans.</span></div><br /><div></div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-72009701122319108572011-03-17T07:20:00.004-04:002011-03-17T07:27:56.635-04:00Thanks for spawning<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gZfmRi-_mBs/TYHul8w8EuI/AAAAAAAAAFs/9oTGcJRTWpY/s1600/parking.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-gZfmRi-_mBs/TYHul8w8EuI/AAAAAAAAAFs/9oTGcJRTWpY/s320/parking.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5585007348650087138" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Thank you for having had an infant. 'Cause when it's raining out, or busy right after work, or I'm wearing flip flops, and I just want to run into Stop n Shop and grab some Oreos, I know there will almost always be a sweet parking spot for me.<br /><br />And unlike with the handicapped spots, I can't get whacked with a $100 ticket.</span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-84317515371770918632011-03-16T22:57:00.004-04:002011-03-17T07:33:05.436-04:00Porn doesn't make sense (and that kinda turns me off)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1jmIXOPUR24/TYF6u0-wt0I/AAAAAAAAAFk/D5DJMYkZKoM/s1600/cleavage.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 128px; height: 96px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1jmIXOPUR24/TYF6u0-wt0I/AAAAAAAAAFk/D5DJMYkZKoM/s320/cleavage.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584879957830580034" border="0" 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name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="68" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="69" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="70" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Dark List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="71" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="72" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful List Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="73" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="19" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="21" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Emphasis"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="31" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:black;">I don’t understand porn.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:black;">I mean, I <i style="">understand</i> it. Go out to the San Fernando Valley. Find an attractive woman. (If you can’t find an attractive woman, find a skanky looking one.) Find a guy with a big cock. (Doesn’t matter what <i style="">he</i> looks like.) Find an empty office somewhere. Have him insert his tab A into her slot B. Film the magic.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:black;">What I don’t understand is how the laws of Porn Land can be so different from the laws that constrain our world. Things are said and done in porn that never actually occur during the course of human experience. Porn does seem to have <i style="">some</i> laws, but they don’t make sense. Not like gravity makes sense, anyway.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color:black;">For instance:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--All porn <b><span style="color: rgb(253, 64, 0);"></span></b>actresses get increasingly whorey as their careers progress. Some of them start out as the sweet-looking young things you might find working the counter at Orange Julius. But five years on, they've got these fake mutant boobs, 80% of their bodies are covered in cheap tatts, everything (and I mean <i style="">everything</i>) is quadruple pierced, and if it doesn't involve a German Shepherd, they don't star in it anymore. </span><br /><br /><span class="postbody">--There are 10 themes in porn<b><span style="color: rgb(253, 64, 0);"></span></b>. It is not possible to try anything else. There's a California law, I think. </span></span> <span style="font-size:130%;"> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">1. <b style="">"1.5 mil, for this??"</b> Slutty real estate agent sucks cock to seal the deal. <i style="">(How does that work? After she lets him come on her tits, does he suddenly have more money? Is the electric heat now natural gas?) </i></span><i style=""> </i></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">2. <b style="">"A is for 'anal'."</b> Failing student fucks teacher for an A. <i style="">(He got what he wanted. Why would he then change her grade?)</i></span><i style=""> </i><span class="postbody"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">3. <b style="">"It's not delivery, it's D'giorno."</b> Pizza guy/Girl Scout/Church group rep shows up at the door. Monkey sex ensues. <i style="">(If your door bell rings, you’re going to fuck.)</i> </span> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">4. <b style="">"You weren't supposed to be home 'til 4!"</b> Somebody's masturbating. Up to three people interrupt the act. Well, one of the group is already naked, so... </span> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">5. <b style="">"We're not REALLY related..."</b> Step mom/dad is a molester. </span> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">6. <b style="">"I love college."</b> WHOOOO. That chick's totally drunk, and Flounder's tapping it. WHOOOOO. WHOOOO. Yeah, boy! Hit that pussy. WHOOOO. WHOOOO. WHOOOOO. <i style="">(Holy fuck, hurry up and die of alcohol poisoning, already!) </i></span><i style=""> </i><span class="postbody"></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">7. <b style="">"You're my BFF 4-eva." </b>So, we might as well be lesbians. </span> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">8. <b style="">"This tape is just for us, right?"</b> Yeah, honey. No one will ever see it. </span> <span class="postbody"></span></span> </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">9. <b style="">"Ted's not here. Won’t be home for hours. How will we pass the time?”</b> <i style="">(Your buddy calls you up to shoot some hoop. But when you get there, he’s gone. But his mother is totally MILF-y, and wouldn’t you know it, she just </i>loves<i style=""> young cock!)</i></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">10. <b style="">“I’ve never been with a girl before!”</b> First timer discovers lady lovin’. <i style="">(The first-timer goes from shyly covering her boobs with her hands and protesting “this doesn’t feel right” to diving into pussy like she’s a sea otter in 12 seconds flat.)</i></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--How is that, in porn, a guy can say “Wow! You are one hot piece of ass!!!” and the girl happily chirps “Theeeenk yeeew!” like it’s a compliment?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--There are only five camera-friendly positions in porn, and they must occur in the same order, every time: She blows him. He goes down on her for a maximum of 10 seconds (and looks like a dog trying to lick the inside of a peanut butter jar clean). Missionary. Doggy. Reverse cowgirl. Money shot. (Her mouth is always open, but he invariably comes in her eye.) </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--Why must the camera guy speak? And why does he always sound like some kind of scary autistic rape-y maniac? “Ooooo. So hot. Yeah. Ooooo. [sucks air past teeth] Oooooo. Lookit those tits! <span style=""> </span>[sucks air past teeth] So fuckin’ hot…[sucks more air past teeth].</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--Why waste 10 minutes discussing with the actress how her boobs are real when the very first position shows her nasty, cut-rate implant scars?</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--Why continue with the pre-fuck interview after the girl tells you she doesn’t speak English? If you ask her a question and she just stares at you with blank eyes and pulls her blouse over her head, <b style=""><i style="">she doesn’t speak English.</i></b> In fact, why interview the girl at all? She’s 19, she’s from Crackwhoristan, and she’s doing porn because she owes a nail color technology school $5,000. And even if you spoke Crackwhoristanian, you’d just ask her something dumb-ass like “So, do you masturbate much?” anyway.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--If he comes in her eye, and she claps both hands over her face, falls to floor, rolls around and begins whining "my eye, oh you fucker, you got it in my eye, ohmigod that hurts so bad!", they’re gonna leave that shit in the film. Guaranteed. Why? They're supposed to be making porn, not <i>Saw XVII: the Rise of Acid Jizz</i>. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--Why the fuck are all the actresses chewing gum? Why doesn’t the director act like this is Mrs. Carelli’s 8<sup>th</sup> grade English class and make the girls <b style=""><i style="">spit out that fucking gum</i></b>? </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span class="postbody">--In amateur porn, why is there always a TV on in the background, and why is it always blaring what sounds like used-car commercials in Spanish?</span></span></p>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-8458897772532744442011-03-16T21:13:00.004-04:002011-03-16T21:20:27.274-04:00Fukushima freakout<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OC18YIY4sZA/TYFgREqJf-I/AAAAAAAAAFc/mPtYOtv2UtY/s1600/nuclear.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 85px; height: 128px;" 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mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size:130%;">Japanese officials report that the Fukushima nuclear power plant damaged by last Friday’s earthquake/tsunami combo has begun leaking radiation. Several thousand people in the area have been evacuated or advised to stay indoors.<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:130%;color:black;" >Naturally, the world spiraled into a nuclear panic.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:130%;color:black;" >Germany pledged that it would perform safety inspections of its 10 operating nuclear plants (smart) and that it would shut down and scrap plans to extend the life its 8 remaining plants (stoopid). Of course, increased burning of fossil fuels will make up the difference.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:130%;color:black;" >Officials in Sweden and Lithuania say that their own nuclear power projects are now in doubt.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:130%;color:black;" >An old Japanese lady evacuated from her home near the Fukushima plant told NPR that she had been “against that plant since the beginning.” The fact that electricity from the plant had powered her kitchen for 35 years made no difference to her.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style=";font-size:130%;color:black;" >Hey! Nuclear scaredy cats! Are a large number of your power plants built on the Ring of Fire? Are your power plants often threatened by 30-foot tsunamis? If not, <span style="font-weight: bold;">your nuclear power is no more dangerous now than it was five days ago.</span></span></p>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-28314688016188017472011-03-10T23:58:00.002-05:002011-03-11T00:01:05.039-05:00In other "Oh, Gaddafi, you nut!" news<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_Eg8BrIYunQ/TXmsE6DBN8I/AAAAAAAAAFE/bmEJMlqo8uM/s1600/Libya.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 212px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_Eg8BrIYunQ/TXmsE6DBN8I/AAAAAAAAAFE/bmEJMlqo8uM/s320/Libya.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5582682413403813826" border="0" /></a><br /><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:relyonvml/> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> 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mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;">Earlier this week, Libya’s Muammar Gaddafi blamed the uprising against his government on foreign influences, notably that of al-Qaeda. (He also explained that the Libyan rebels were all on hallucinogenic drugs, so… maybe not everything the Colonel says should be treated equally.)</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"> I sat down and thought about the idea of Col. Gaddafi’s imported loyalist mercenary scumbags throwing down against the remaining al-Qaeda lunatics we haven’t killed with armed Predator drones. I mean, I really thought about it. Tried to see all the angles, like.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"> Thing is, I just can’t find a down side. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"> Yes, it’s hard to know who to root for. (I guess Libya’s got a flag, but if I decided to root for al-Qaeda, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what color to paint my face. But I would definitely wear a nacho hat while watching it all play out on CNN.)<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;">But whoever loses, the West wins. <span style=""> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: "Times New Roman","serif";"></span></p>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-57364886880638737542011-02-22T20:25:00.003-05:002011-02-22T20:46:49.426-05:00MBTA suddenly figures out how to operate in the black<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kYsob-Ng8qo/TWRire5UE5I/AAAAAAAAAEs/EIIFD-pjRYw/s1600/T.gif"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kYsob-Ng8qo/TWRire5UE5I/AAAAAAAAAEs/EIIFD-pjRYw/s320/T.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5576690737758868370" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><p><span style="font-size:130%;"> According to the Boston Globe, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">MBTA</span></span> officials said today that they can eliminate a projected deficit of more than $130 million for the coming year. And they say they can do it without raising fares or reducing services.<br /></span></p><p><span style="font-size:130%;">As described by General Manager Richard A. Davey</span><span style="font-size:130%;">, the Big Plan includes: leasing the parking garage at North Station, selling long-term parking revenue at other garages to investors, and selling more advertising on T-owned billboards, the T's website, and on those stupid little <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">CharlieCards</span></span>. </span></p> <p><span style="font-size:130%;">Davey did not offer an explanation of why his organization failed to think of any of these rather simple solutions before the T amassed debt of approximately <span style="font-weight: bold;">9 billion dollars</span>.</span> </p>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-69763863510151497662011-02-21T15:35:00.002-05:002011-02-21T15:37:53.187-05:00Exciting new career path: Bully Deprogrammer<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} 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Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Kids have always been complete little motherfuckers to each other. But now that everybody’s hyperconnected, bullies have new venues of attack, such as their Facey Pages, and IM, and of course they’re all Tweeting up a fuckin’ storm of hate for the kid who’s got a twitch or a skin condition or dated the wrong boy/girl or just exudes the intoxicating scent of weakness. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Child psychologists say that confronting the parents of a bully is rarely constructive because 1) they refuse to believe that their little cherub <i>would ever</i> <i>do such a thing, </i>or 2) the parents themselves are former bullies who believe that kids these days need to "toughen up". It’s hard to expect schools to effectively intervene; it’s a full time endeavor just to screen their students for weapons and drugs. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Good news, though! This societal ill represents a lucrative and fun new career path: Bully Deprogrammer. I'm going to be the first one. Here’s my plan. <i>(Okay. Center my ki. Envision success. Act!)</i> First, I take that online private investigation course from Phoenix University. Maybe a few psychology classes, too. (But I’ll probably just audit those.) Then I put out vaguely worded ads offering to “solve difficult social situations”, you know, like Robert McCall used to do in that 80s show, <i style="">The Equalizer</i>. (That show rocked.)</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >Parents, maybe schools, maybe the victims of bullies themselves get in touch with me and give me the name of the bully. I use my private investigation skills to dig up embarrassing info on the bully. Next, I seek out the bully in a place where he/she feels safe: the Dunkin Donuts parking lot, loitering in front of Hot Topic, etc. Then I reverse-bully the bully.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >“Hey, I know you. You’re Billy Snodgrass. Yeah! Billy. Hey, you know what I found out the other day? You were born with a tail. That’s some weird shit! [Here I turn to Billy’s friends] That’s some <i style="">weird shit</i>, right? I thought that only happened on TV, but Billy here, his parents took him to have an operation when he was three months old. They cut the tail off. Sure, left a scar right at the base of his spine. It’s faint, but next gym class, check it out! Oh, yeah, and Billy? You were an accident. Your father drinks too much because of you.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >“And Billy? Or should I say Monkey Boy? <i style="">This</i> is how you make Chad Connors feel in the cafeteria every day. And if you so much as give that kid the stink-eye <i style="">and I hear about it</i>, that video of you spanking it to Kristen Stewart in <i style="">Breaking Dawn</i> is going up on YouTube. You, Monkey Boy, will become the definition of <i style="">viral</i>.” </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" > </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; line-height: normal;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style=";font-family:";font-size:12pt;" >It’s just one of the concepts I’m working on.</span></span></p>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-32708288714454688042011-02-20T22:34:00.005-05:002011-02-20T22:47:44.809-05:00War shit is sexxx-ay!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LdE9Eg6jGFY/TWHf0sdK2LI/AAAAAAAAAEc/aSb38Z9Y4ys/s1600/JSF.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 229px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LdE9Eg6jGFY/TWHf0sdK2LI/AAAAAAAAAEc/aSb38Z9Y4ys/s320/JSF.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575983910041082034" border="0" /></a><br />You may not know this, but the Joint Strike Fighter back-up engine program is in peril.<br /><br />Seems that not all our law-makers are on board to continue funding a back-up engine system for an advanced fighter jet that we'll just have to share with those grasping Europeans, anyway. One engine should be good enough for any plane. Scott Brown and John Kerry are urging the Senate to continue funding the project, mostly because the program would create 400 new jobs in Massachusetts.<br /><br />I'm for the program. Because war technology is sexy. After-school programs, home heating assistance programs, universal healthcare? Yaaaaawn. Oh, sorry. Were you bloviating about something, Senator?<br /><br />I was in my happy place. Dreaming of flames and shrapnel.NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-56503898039414689362011-02-14T19:00:00.004-05:002011-02-21T01:47:54.161-05:00I got your Academy Award right here, pal<div><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Black Swan:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> I'm just uncomfortable with the whole "mentally ill artistic genius loses reality's email address" thing. I blame it on having seen </span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" > Isabelle Huppert in </span><span style="font-size:130%;"><i>the Piano Teacher</i>--I'm never going to get over <i>that</i>. I salute Natalie Portman's effort to throw herself into the role. I just don't think <i>Black Swan</i> has the gravitas to win.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The Fighter:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> Aside from uneducated Bostonians being really, <i>really</i> in right now, <i>The Fighter</i><i> </i>probably should win on its own merits. But it won't. Because of<i> The King's Speech</i>. Marky Mark is getting better, but he's still kind of flat. Christian Bale carried the whole damn thing, and transformed a fairly decent movie into a flick that actually might have been worthy of 1/4 of the buzz it's gotten--which is still a lot. But <i>The Fighter</i> won't win.</span><br /> </div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Inception:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> Leonardo DiCaprio and bitchin' special effects. Dude, that whole city was upside down! That's a popcorn movie with a gimmick. Doesn't mean it should win an Academy Award.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > The Kids Are All Right:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> Annette Benning and Julianne Moore are lesbians, see, and they each have babies with the same sperm, and they name one of the kids "Laser"... Is this movie the set up for a joke, or a serious Oscar contender? My opinion is the former. And both Julianne Moore and Mia Wasikowska are <i>wildly</i> overrated.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >The King's Speech:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> This movie was boring. You know it. I know it. But people just lurve to see Colin Firth be Colin Firth. This time, Colin Firth has a speech impediment. Blammo! Academy Award. Thanks, everybody! See you at Sean Penn's after party!<br /></span></div> <div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >127 Hours:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> James Franco is on his way to being the new Heath Ledger. The new, mentally stable Heath Ledger. And he did one hell of a job keeping you interested in a story that essentially takes place in about one and a half feet of Moab, Utah. But really? This is an episode of <i>I Should Be Dead</i>. Not an Academy Award winner.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > The Social Network:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> This has an outside shot of taking the Oscar away from <i>The King's Speech</i>, but I hope it doesn't. The only thing I'm more sick of than Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook is Jane Lynch. Who will no doubt be nominated for something next year. Or hosting the damn thing.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > Toy Story 3:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> Can anyone tell me why in the blue fuck <i>Toy Story 3</i> is even in this? It scared most of its intended audience, and made the rest cry. Here's an idea, make the wacky adventures of a cowboy doll and his Space Ranger sidekick <i>dark</i>! No. And I hope that bad idea isn't vindicated with an Oscar. It will only encourage Lee Unkrich.<br /></span></div><div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" > True Grit:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> Remakes, even inspired remakes, should not be up for Academy Awards. You didn't create it. You riffed on the John Wayne movie. Thanks for an enjoyable 110 minutes, Cohen Bros. I look forward to your next project, but let's not go overboard here.<br /></span></div><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:130%;" >Winter's Bone:</span><span style="font-size:130%;"> I resist your allure, <i>Winter's Bone</i>! Mainly because I could practically taste the anticipatory, Oscar-flavored drool dripping from Debra Granik's and Anne Rosellini's lips even while I was watching this movie.Winter's Bone is Oscar bait, and I don't like Oscar bait.</span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-90231089070708516062011-02-09T22:50:00.003-05:002011-02-09T23:07:38.945-05:00Your movie really CHANGED me, man!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OtA1f4eHtO4/TVNgpNnDiiI/AAAAAAAAAEA/PqjQLjsja3c/s1600/My%2BOscar.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 93px; height: 128px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OtA1f4eHtO4/TVNgpNnDiiI/AAAAAAAAAEA/PqjQLjsja3c/s320/My%2BOscar.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571903425131809314" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;"><br />Yesterday, if you asked me what my favorite movie was, I might have said <span style="font-style: italic;">Raising Arizona</span>, or <span style="font-style: italic;">The Empire Strikes Back</span>, or <span style="font-style: italic;">Kelly's Heroes</span>. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Big Lebowski</span> is, of course, a masterpiece.<br /><br />And then I saw <span style="font-style: italic;">Lesbian Vibrator Orgy</span>.<br /><br />It's a short but heartfelt tale of the human condition, unvarnished desire, and the nobility of striving toward personal fulfillment. <span style="font-style: italic;"></span><br /><br />I laughed. I cried. I felt something.<br /><br />I could watch it again and again. It was better than <span style="font-style: italic;">Cats</span>.</span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-59818210261516090732011-02-04T10:21:00.006-05:002011-02-04T10:50:01.603-05:00The burning of effigies starts promptly at 8:00 pm<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUwfKDRM2xI/AAAAAAAAADs/ti-heJ91GhE/s1600/anarchy.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 188px; height: 196px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUwfKDRM2xI/AAAAAAAAADs/ti-heJ91GhE/s320/anarchy.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569861096687065874" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-size:130%;">Winston Churchill once said, "Democracy is the worst form of government except for all those others that have been tried."<br /><br />I still believe Americans are better off than the citizens of almost any other country (except possibly Canada. And West Germany. And maybe Sweden). But we're sliding. I remember seeing that craptastic Kevin Costner movie, </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:130%;" >The Postman</span><span style="font-size:130%;">, and thinking "Americans revolting against their own government? Yeah. Right." And I recently heard someone say that </span><span class="postbody" style="font-size:130%;">"Nobody would take to the streets here. They might miss an episode of <span style="font-style: italic;">American Idol</span>..."<br /><br /></span><span class="postbody" style="font-size:130%;">That's probably right. We're too soft. <span style="font-style: italic;">Right now</span>.<br /><br />But I'm starting to wonder if there's a bottom, if there's a limit. What would it take to have Americans snap and go all anarchy stylin'? Say Congress dicks around until Social Security finally goes tits up, Wall Street fucks us <span style="font-style: italic;">again</span>, gas is at $10 a gallon, the rich/poor divide gets even more obscene, and partisanship in government gets so bad that the people's business stops completely (I mean <span style="font-style: italic;">completely</span>, instead of just <span style="font-style: italic;">mostly</span>, which is where we are now). Say all this stuff happens at nearly the same time.<br /><br />Would I light a torch and grab a pitchfork? I really don't know. Would any of you? What's your limit? What's bad enough that you would accept the uncertainty of violent change over the crumbling and dysfunctional status quo?</span><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span> <div style="overflow: hidden; color: rgb(0, 0, 0); text-decoration: none; border: medium none;color:transparent;"><span style="font-size:130%;"><br /></span><br /></div>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-81399378435376920882011-02-03T20:53:00.003-05:002011-02-04T15:28:28.634-05:00Imagine what Washington could have done with The Bomb...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUtcSE2HC6I/AAAAAAAAADk/-JCGrMYjjN0/s1600/America.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUtcSE2HC6I/AAAAAAAAADk/-JCGrMYjjN0/s400/America.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569646829781846946" border="0" /></a>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4867284240130508149.post-36872985544392421592011-02-03T20:39:00.004-05:002011-02-03T20:49:15.142-05:00Which way to them there Pyramid thingies?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUtY-X91rTI/AAAAAAAAADc/CVdD5qCrlzA/s1600/egypt-flag1.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 128px; height: 102px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_GSgueXWtRmU/TUtY-X91rTI/AAAAAAAAADc/CVdD5qCrlzA/s320/egypt-flag1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5569643192782269746" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:130%;">The state department says that there are approximately 50,000 Americans in Egypt right now, but only a small number have asked for help in leaving the country.<br /><br />I'm assuming the rest of them are out with the protesters helping to burn cars.<br /><br />"Hosni who? I just like the sound of breaking glass. Smashy, smashy!"</span>NobleSavagehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11153885085535506171noreply@blogger.com0