Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Oreos and the obscene decadence of market-driven economies

Stop n Shop carries twelve (12) different types of Oreo cookies.


Strawberry Oreos. Golden Oreos. Half-golden, half-regular. Chocolate-covered. Mint. Football shaped. Double stuff. Cakesters (What in the jumping blue fuck is a Cakester??) More.

You know those "American service man comes home and can't readjust, and it's the supermarket that finally causes him to murder 34 people before being shot and killed by SWAT" TV plots?

I get it.

When people start that "spend that NASA money on poor people down here!" shit, I go nuts, but twelve different kinds of Oreo? Something's wrong, folks. Our priorities are seriously fucked up.

You can buy eight different varieties of Crest. My dentist tells me that extra-whitening Crest doesn't make your teeth any whiter, and the tartar-control stuff doesn't really fight tartar that much. You know what does? Brushing your teeth regularly with any old toothpaste. Or sand. Or almost anything.

How much money does it take to package, produce, market, and shelve all this horseshit? Marketing studies have demonstrated "choice fatigue" in consumers. You have too many versions of Crest to choose from, so you say fuck it and buy Aim. Because it’s what your Mom always bought.

I'm going to hire 30 homeless people and go blockade Nabisco's marketing whorehouse.

If the regular old Oreo—which have served the world just fine since 1912—aren’t good enough for you, then congratulations. You have become a canker sore inside the rotting mouth of America.

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