Tuesday, January 11, 2011

It’s going to snow. Calm down, stupid. Get a hold of yourself.

We’re supposed to get a snowstorm on Tuesday night and Wednesday, and the madness has already begun in Boston. Stop and Shop is at battle stations, people are already planning to “work from home”, and those retards in Southie probably already have broken chairs out in the street, saving “their” parking spot.

Before you start wondering if you have a good supply of D batteries for that national weather service monitoring radio you received three Christmases ago, stop and take a deep calming breath. Good air in, bad air out. Now think a minute. You live in the northeast. It snows here. Sometimes, it snows a lot. But we’re used to it. We can handle it. Despite what the local newscasts always imply, you really are in no danger of getting snowbound like in that episode of Little House on the Prairie, in which the Ingalls had to eat Carrie while they waited to be dug out. (You don’t remember that one? Charles was going to have them eat the dog, but Half-pint cried, so he decided to eat their youngest and most annoying daughter, instead.)

Calm the fuck down and don’t buy into the hype. What draws the most ratings for local news casts? The weather. What ad spots do they charge the highest rates for? The weather. Do you think maybe they jazz up the forecast a little to get you to tune in, and maybe get you to buy a four-pack of Glade plug-ins? You bet your bibby. Local news loves the word “paralyzed”. It gives them a full-on robotic stiffy. If it clouds over, news casters start practicing the dire pronouncement “Boston is PARALYZED tonight by near blizzard conditions! Will your morning commute end in a snowmobile rescue?? See what Mike has to say at 11!” Don’t fall for this.

It’s the 21st century, OK? You aren’t going to starve to death because you can’t get food. Your nearest major grocery store is probably no more than a half-mile away. Your neighborhood might even have a little incense-reeking convenience store where you could at least get some over-priced bread, peanut butter, and a life-sustaining bottle of Yoo-hoo. Even if you had to drag your flabby ass through snow drifts, you could do it.

Also, you know how to drive in snow. It might only be 10 or 11 months since the last time you had to do it. I’m not saying bust out your 4X4 and race around like a horse’s ass (although you’ll have a lot of company if you do), but if you are driving, don’t drive like a complete douche. I do enjoy laughing and pointing at SUVs resting on their roofs in a snowy median, but nothing is more aggravating than driving through flurries behind the schmoehawk doing 15 mph and panic-braking.

Got a snow shovel? Decent all-weather tires? Enough food to last 6 hours? Then you’re good. Relax and watch the pretty snowflakes as they paralyze Boston.

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