Monday, February 14, 2011

I got your Academy Award right here, pal

Black Swan: I'm just uncomfortable with the whole "mentally ill artistic genius loses reality's email address" thing. I blame it on having seen Isabelle Huppert in the Piano Teacher--I'm never going to get over that. I salute Natalie Portman's effort to throw herself into the role. I just don't think Black Swan has the gravitas to win.

The Fighter: Aside from uneducated Bostonians being really, really in right now, The Fighter probably should win on its own merits. But it won't. Because of The King's Speech. Marky Mark is getting better, but he's still kind of flat. Christian Bale carried the whole damn thing, and transformed a fairly decent movie into a flick that actually might have been worthy of 1/4 of the buzz it's gotten--which is still a lot. But The Fighter won't win.

Inception: Leonardo DiCaprio and bitchin' special effects. Dude, that whole city was upside down! That's a popcorn movie with a gimmick. Doesn't mean it should win an Academy Award.

The Kids Are All Right: Annette Benning and Julianne Moore are lesbians, see, and they each have babies with the same sperm, and they name one of the kids "Laser"... Is this movie the set up for a joke, or a serious Oscar contender? My opinion is the former. And both Julianne Moore and Mia Wasikowska are wildly overrated.

The King's Speech: This movie was boring. You know it. I know it. But people just lurve to see Colin Firth be Colin Firth. This time, Colin Firth has a speech impediment. Blammo! Academy Award. Thanks, everybody! See you at Sean Penn's after party!

127 Hours: James Franco is on his way to being the new Heath Ledger. The new, mentally stable Heath Ledger. And he did one hell of a job keeping you interested in a story that essentially takes place in about one and a half feet of Moab, Utah. But really? This is an episode of I Should Be Dead. Not an Academy Award winner.

The Social Network: This has an outside shot of taking the Oscar away from The King's Speech, but I hope it doesn't. The only thing I'm more sick of than Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook is Jane Lynch. Who will no doubt be nominated for something next year. Or hosting the damn thing.

Toy Story 3: Can anyone tell me why in the blue fuck Toy Story 3 is even in this? It scared most of its intended audience, and made the rest cry. Here's an idea, make the wacky adventures of a cowboy doll and his Space Ranger sidekick dark! No. And I hope that bad idea isn't vindicated with an Oscar. It will only encourage Lee Unkrich.

True Grit: Remakes, even inspired remakes, should not be up for Academy Awards. You didn't create it. You riffed on the John Wayne movie. Thanks for an enjoyable 110 minutes, Cohen Bros. I look forward to your next project, but let's not go overboard here.

Winter's Bone: I resist your allure, Winter's Bone! Mainly because I could practically taste the anticipatory, Oscar-flavored drool dripping from Debra Granik's and Anne Rosellini's lips even while I was watching this movie.Winter's Bone is Oscar bait, and I don't like Oscar bait.

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