You are more miserable now than you were in 1983

You weren't very happy 28 years ago. Carter was in the White House, the Federal Reserve was up to its usual fuckery, and OPEC had us oil-addicted Americans by the short and curlies. In 1983, we became acquainted with the term stagflation. We also got Ewoks. Yeah. We were miserable.

But not so miserable as now. If you think 2011 is actually sucking more balls than that champion ball-sucker year 2010, you have socioeconomic science to back you up. The Misery Index, which was designed to describe the human impact of economic problems, combines unemployment and inflation data to assign a number to the current level of unhappiness in America. The Misery Index now stands at 12.6, the highest it's been since '83.

Unemployment is the biggest buzz kill right now, as far as the Misery Index is concerned. Men suffer from unemployment more than women, blacks more than whites, and the young more than the old. So, if you're a young black male, congratulations! You've hit the Misery Trifecta.

I blame 3D movies.

THESE GLASSES ARE DIRTY AS HELL...

... AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE.

The next time you go to Lenscrafters and they ask you if you want the anti-glare coating put on your new lenses for just an additional $29.99, don't even answer.

Just punch them in the throat.

Something about that anti-glare coating makes the lenses smudge like a motherfucker. (Here, I'm using "motherfucker" to mean "a whole lot more than is reasonable under normal use and conditions.) I've been wearing glass for, fuck, 26 years (!?! No wonder I'm so goddam crabby) and I never found myself saying "Now what the fuck... something's wrong. Why can't I see?" as much before I let them sell me that anti-glare stuff.

So. Learn from my pain.

Big weiner tales

Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-N.Y.) is accepting “personal responsibility” for using his Twitter account to send pictures of his wang to a 21-year-old college student. I’m sure he and his handlers feel that owning up to his mistake is the best way to control the damage. Problem is, Weiner pulled a Kobe Bryant—he’s spent the last seven days denying the whole thing with ever-changing stories. Remember good ol’ Kobe? First he never even heard of that hotel clerk. Then, she came up to his room, but nothing happened. They just talked, about the merits of Zen buddism, no doubt. Well, okay, he did sex her up a little, but it was totally consensual. Honest! The bruises? It’s all a little hazy… probably rough sex, you know? Okay, maybe he did force her a little, but he’s human, so he hopes his wife will forgive him. Buying her a diamond the size of a baseball and having her prominently display it during his confession/apology press conference super-combo couldn’t hurt.

Same M.O. for Weiner: Last Sunday, he didn’t know nothin’ ‘bout no Twitter pics of his junk. There might be pictures of his junk out there, he told Wolf Blitzer, but the Representative assured CNN that the Twitter picture wasn’t Weiner junk. When he spoke to Rachel Maddow a day later, he admitted that “he didn’t know for sure, but it could be” his erection in the photos. In the next few days, the story morphed from a case of Weiner’s Twitter account being hacked into—he’s a victim, people!—to a case of "I sent her that picture as a joke.” Guess she's an Are You Being Served? person, and Weiner is more of a Larry the Cable Guy type.

So now, Weiner’s sorry. He’s apologizing to his constituents, and of course, to his wife and family. The thing is, he’s really, truly sorry. And he’s not resigning. Because this was a human lapse—who among us has not sent cock pics to college students half our age??—he’s learned from it, and the implication is that he’s perfectly suitable to remain in our government. And frankly, if you call for his resignation, you’re a big mean hater. And probably a Republican whose goal is to damage the House Democrats' reputation.

So, I ask the same thing I asked about Mr. Bryant's halting progression toward The Truth: how many lies are you allowed to be caught in before your confession/apology must also be considered a lie?

Babies are horrifying

"Oh, he looks just like his mother!!"

No, he doesn't. He looks like an anthropomorphic lobster.

Babies don't look like anything for about a year.

But for some reason, no one wants to hear that.

People are really fuckin' weird about babies.

Don't fuck with old people...

... because they've got a lifetime's worth of experience, and they've got all day to sit around and devise revenge tactics.

If you've ever muttered bad words while dealing with Bank of America, then this story will warm the cockles of your heart. Maybe even your sub-cockle area.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20110606/us_time/h...ssfullnationyahoo

Metric system, I'll see you in hell!

I really wish someone would tell Canada that the United States doesn't use "kilometers" or "degrees centigrade" or any of that other commie bullshit, and that we never will.

My teachers started telling us in 1st grade that "You better learn this, because in five years, everybody's going to be using the metric system, and you'll get left behind."

Well, that didn't happen.

Now, it may be that only the areas in red on the world map to the left are still using the English system of measurement. Maybe the vast majority of the planet is using the Metric system. Well, whoopty freakin' doo! We are America, and we utterly refuse your base-10 shenanigans.

Thanks for spawning

Thank you for having had an infant. 'Cause when it's raining out, or busy right after work, or I'm wearing flip flops, and I just want to run into Stop n Shop and grab some Oreos, I know there will almost always be a sweet parking spot for me.

And unlike with the handicapped spots, I can't get whacked with a $100 ticket.