I don’t understand porn.
I mean, I understand it. Go out to the San Fernando Valley. Find an attractive woman. (If you can’t find an attractive woman, find a skanky looking one.) Find a guy with a big cock. (Doesn’t matter what he looks like.) Find an empty office somewhere. Have him insert his tab A into her slot B. Film the magic.
What I don’t understand is how the laws of Porn Land can be so different from the laws that constrain our world. Things are said and done in porn that never actually occur during the course of human experience. Porn does seem to have some laws, but they don’t make sense. Not like gravity makes sense, anyway.
For instance:
--All porn actresses get increasingly whorey as their careers progress. Some of them start out as the sweet-looking young things you might find working the counter at Orange Julius. But five years on, they've got these fake mutant boobs, 80% of their bodies are covered in cheap tatts, everything (and I mean everything) is quadruple pierced, and if it doesn't involve a German Shepherd, they don't star in it anymore.
--There are 10 themes in porn. It is not possible to try anything else. There's a California law, I think.
1. "1.5 mil, for this??" Slutty real estate agent sucks cock to seal the deal. (How does that work? After she lets him come on her tits, does he suddenly have more money? Is the electric heat now natural gas?)
2. "A is for 'anal'." Failing student fucks teacher for an A. (He got what he wanted. Why would he then change her grade?)
3. "It's not delivery, it's D'giorno." Pizza guy/Girl Scout/Church group rep shows up at the door. Monkey sex ensues. (If your door bell rings, you’re going to fuck.)
4. "You weren't supposed to be home 'til 4!" Somebody's masturbating. Up to three people interrupt the act. Well, one of the group is already naked, so...
5. "We're not REALLY related..." Step mom/dad is a molester.
6. "I love college." WHOOOO. That chick's totally drunk, and Flounder's tapping it. WHOOOOO. WHOOOO. Yeah, boy! Hit that pussy. WHOOOO. WHOOOO. WHOOOOO. (Holy fuck, hurry up and die of alcohol poisoning, already!)
7. "You're my BFF 4-eva." So, we might as well be lesbians.
8. "This tape is just for us, right?" Yeah, honey. No one will ever see it.
9. "Ted's not here. Won’t be home for hours. How will we pass the time?” (Your buddy calls you up to shoot some hoop. But when you get there, he’s gone. But his mother is totally MILF-y, and wouldn’t you know it, she just loves young cock!)
10. “I’ve never been with a girl before!” First timer discovers lady lovin’. (The first-timer goes from shyly covering her boobs with her hands and protesting “this doesn’t feel right” to diving into pussy like she’s a sea otter in 12 seconds flat.)
--How is that, in porn, a guy can say “Wow! You are one hot piece of ass!!!” and the girl happily chirps “Theeeenk yeeew!” like it’s a compliment?
--There are only five camera-friendly positions in porn, and they must occur in the same order, every time: She blows him. He goes down on her for a maximum of 10 seconds (and looks like a dog trying to lick the inside of a peanut butter jar clean). Missionary. Doggy. Reverse cowgirl. Money shot. (Her mouth is always open, but he invariably comes in her eye.)
--Why must the camera guy speak? And why does he always sound like some kind of scary autistic rape-y maniac? “Ooooo. So hot. Yeah. Ooooo. [sucks air past teeth] Oooooo. Lookit those tits! [sucks air past teeth] So fuckin’ hot…[sucks more air past teeth].
--Why waste 10 minutes discussing with the actress how her boobs are real when the very first position shows her nasty, cut-rate implant scars?
--Why continue with the pre-fuck interview after the girl tells you she doesn’t speak English? If you ask her a question and she just stares at you with blank eyes and pulls her blouse over her head, she doesn’t speak English. In fact, why interview the girl at all? She’s 19, she’s from Crackwhoristan, and she’s doing porn because she owes a nail color technology school $5,000. And even if you spoke Crackwhoristanian, you’d just ask her something dumb-ass like “So, do you masturbate much?” anyway.
--If he comes in her eye, and she claps both hands over her face, falls to floor, rolls around and begins whining "my eye, oh you fucker, you got it in my eye, ohmigod that hurts so bad!", they’re gonna leave that shit in the film. Guaranteed. Why? They're supposed to be making porn, not Saw XVII: the Rise of Acid Jizz.
--Why the fuck are all the actresses chewing gum? Why doesn’t the director act like this is Mrs. Carelli’s 8th grade English class and make the girls spit out that fucking gum?
--In amateur porn, why is there always a TV on in the background, and why is it always blaring what sounds like used-car commercials in Spanish?
Japanese officials report that the Fukushima nuclear power plant damaged by last Friday’s earthquake/tsunami combo has begun leaking radiation. Several thousand people in the area have been evacuated or advised to stay indoors.
Naturally, the world spiraled into a nuclear panic.
Germany pledged that it would perform safety inspections of its 10 operating nuclear plants (smart) and that it would shut down and scrap plans to extend the life its 8 remaining plants (stoopid). Of course, increased burning of fossil fuels will make up the difference.
Officials in Sweden and Lithuania say that their own nuclear power projects are now in doubt.
An old Japanese lady evacuated from her home near the Fukushima plant told NPR that she had been “against that plant since the beginning.” The fact that electricity from the plant had powered her kitchen for 35 years made no difference to her.
Hey! Nuclear scaredy cats! Are a large number of your power plants built on the Ring of Fire? Are your power plants often threatened by 30-foot tsunamis? If not, your nuclear power is no more dangerous now than it was five days ago.
Earlier this week, Libya’s Muammar Gaddafi blamed the uprising against his government on foreign influences, notably that of al-Qaeda. (He also explained that the Libyan rebels were all on hallucinogenic drugs, so… maybe not everything the Colonel says should be treated equally.)
I sat down and thought about the idea of Col. Gaddafi’s imported loyalist mercenary scumbags throwing down against the remaining al-Qaeda lunatics we haven’t killed with armed Predator drones. I mean, I really thought about it. Tried to see all the angles, like.
Thing is, I just can’t find a down side.
Yes, it’s hard to know who to root for. (I guess Libya’s got a flag, but if I decided to root for al-Qaeda, I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what color to paint my face. But I would definitely wear a nacho hat while watching it all play out on CNN.)
But whoever loses, the West wins.
